mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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