im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
