nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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