you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
