Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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