I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
