i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
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