i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
