i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
