peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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