worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I party with great urgency now.
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