Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
