whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
