im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
