life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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