I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
