If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
