I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
