im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
