I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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