I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
