he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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