Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
