just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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