Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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