can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize