Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
