my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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