i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
