I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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