the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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