I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
