Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
