I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
