guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Drunk is not a location!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
