mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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