I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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