Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
