I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
