I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
