It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
