he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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