just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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