If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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