Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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