I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
