I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
