I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
