Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
