It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
