Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My vagina is officially offended.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
