I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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