Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
