fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
