Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
