You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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