I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
