sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dear god my vagina.
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