I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
