So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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