oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
