why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
