theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
