I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
