Someone shit on the floor
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm like, not good at living.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
