I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
