do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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