Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
