i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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