And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Dignity is for republicans.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
