If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I know her cup size but not her name....
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