Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
