Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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