Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
