What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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