I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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