Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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