Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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