Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
